


Soothe Me

by AHS



Series: Songfic Series 1 (Kiss You Goodbye) [2]
Category: Actor RPF, Queer as Folk (US) RPF
Genre: M/M, Songfic, alternating pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-22
Updated: 2007-09-22
Packaged: 2017-10-13 04:37:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHS/pseuds/AHS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, the boys keep not quite getting it right.  Frustrations abound, but... happy end :)  POV alternates and time jumps forward a few times but it's always made clear.  Songfic using "Soothe Me" by Vonda Shepard.  Part 2 of 3-part series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soothe Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I made this up.

~ Gale’s pov ~

Five hours on a plane is just too damn much time to stew in your own juices. Time to reflect on shit you’d really rather not, like 2800 miles and how that is sure as fuck too far to be away from Randy Harrison.

I shifted miserably in my seat, the comforts of first class only doing so much. I didn’t like to fly, but instead of the usual trying to think of something to distract myself from the takeoff, I found myself hoping my flight jitters would stay and distract me from my thoughts of everything I’d just lost.

I didn’t know what the fuck I was getting into when I started the show. Don’t know what I expected. To be challenged as an actor… yeah, and done. To be completely knocked out of what I’d thought was a pretty impressive comfort zone… well, that certainly happened. To fall in love… no. To fall in love with my male costar… fuck, no.

I felt the unexpected… _jolt_ right away with Randy. The kiss at the screen test. But I didn’t think that much of it. Just, _cool, good chemistry, that should make things easier._

Which it did… and really, really didn’t.

Shit, I thought if anything was gonna happen that probably shouldn’t between me and one of my castmates it would have been Michelle. I found her real attractive, we flirted, we clicked. I guess something almost did, but… eh, by the time she started thinking mixing business and personal might not be the worst thing in the world, I was already feeling… more than I had seen coming… for Randy.

So, yeah, she had the right idea, I decided. No hooking up with my costars… _any_ of my costars.

But I spent so much time with Randy, working so _closely_. And I found I wanted to spend more time with him when I didn’t have to. I just liked him so damn much. I’d never met anyone quite like him. I knew him well enough to be able to tell he wanted me, and eventually I realized I kept touching him all the time because I wanted him, too.

_Surprise._

So… the kiss happened, a real one, and shook the hell out of me. Then the second kiss was just… needed and fucking right, somehow. It scared me, how right it was. Not because it was a man making me feel that way, but because maybe I’d never really felt that before.

I stayed mad at myself longer than Randy stayed mad at me over that fucking interview. I’m still mad at me. I convinced myself initially that I didn’t need to declare sexual preference to him or anyone because it was nobody’s business and labels are unnecessary and limiting and I, Mr. Lived in Frisco, was beyond them. But that was bullshit, because then what did I do? Yeah, okay, I got tired of the question. But somewhere between that second kiss and talking to the damn reporter, Randy deserved to hear the truth, as I knew it, from me.

I still wonder if I purposely took the coward’s way, letting him know I was straight in print, rather than telling him to his face. But I don’t know if I was more afraid he wouldn’t believe me, would think I was some closet case… or that he would believe me, and I’d have to watch the hurt I caused pool in those so blue eyes.

He’s not easily forgiving… and those weeks and weeks he’d barely look at me outside of scenes fucking _killed_ … but he forgave me. More than that, he was my friend, my best friend, and we managed to keep it that way for a while. I dated women, of course, but I never stopped wanting him. I didn’t think about Randy while I was fucking them, or anything, but pretty much all the rest of the damn time I did. In a way too friendly way. When I’d get hard during a sex scene, when we were both naked and rubbing against each other, that was one thing. But when I was alone in my bed at night, and remembering the feel of his skin or imagining actually being inside him made me shoot my load… fuck, that had to mean something, didn’t it?

When my desire finally outweighed my fear, I took him. I waited for something to be awkward, not seem right, but it never happened. I can still hear us, feel us, smell us. Ragged sighs, staccato moans, and confessions of how long we had been wanting. The burning slide of hot, damp skin and the unbelievable grip of his ass on my dick. Breathing sweat and musk and sex. I can taste Randy, and his was the best skin I’d ever licked because it was salty and honeyed and didn’t taste at all like flowers. I can see Randy, under me, looking up, into me. So goddamn beautiful I just wanted to fuck him forever.

I shifted almost painfully in my seat. It was three years ago. I had to stop letting it affect me so much. And a full flight from Toronto to Los Angeles was really not the place to have those thoughts (or an erection). But the thoughts that followed were of my stupidity, how I kept Randy at arm’s length because… I’m still not even sure why. Was I actually afraid to be “gay”? Or was it as simple as commitment issues and being afraid of a real relationship, whether with a man or a woman? Either way, it was my dumbass choice that paved the way for Simon Dumenco to enter the picture.

Simon… Well, that got rid of my erection real quick.

They’d been together for almost those same three years. And now they were living together in New York. The happy couple. Shit, I wanted Randy to be happy. And I knew he and Simon were supposed to be so well-suited, and maybe on paper they were, but I just didn’t see it. They were almost _too_ much alike, except shit that works in Randy’s personality just doesn’t in Simon’s. Like, Randy’s sarcasm is funny and his slightly pretentious nature fucking adorable. Simon takes both qualities too far and just comes off like a tool.

All right, maybe I don’t know Simon that well. I guess he’s okay. But you’re not supposed to like the guy who has what you want most in the world, are you?

I knew Randy couldn’t, or wouldn’t, leave Simon when I made that eleventh hour plea for his heart. But it just came out of my mouth. It was sad enough losing the show, which had basically been my life for five years. Losing him was too fucking much. I empathized with Brian more than ever, how he had to deal with Justin and Lindsey and his son all going away at once. Like Brian, maybe I’d done some growing up. Maybe I was ready to love Randy like he needed. I just took too long, and he didn’t need me to love him anymore.

I did love him, though. And I was glad I told him.

When the flight attendant asked if I wanted a drink, I skipped something harder in favor of champagne. I raised a silent toast to Randy, and then one to myself. LA was waiting for me… auditions, new roles, possibilities… beautiful women. I knocked back a second glass and let the alcoholic sweetness convince me that would be enough.

*****

~ Randy’s pov ~

I love New York. For someone who’s not generally that crazy about people, I love the bustling crowds. I love the constant hum of energy and excitement, even the noise. I love the food, the museums, the music. Broadway, practically more than life itself, and as far as off-off-off Broadway only slightly less. I’d been out of Toronto for nearly four months and back for good in the city that really felt like home to me.

Trying to ignore the voice inside that kept saying “home” was not a place, but a man… with sad, hazel eyes… who I’d left standing with his heart in his hand.

 _Maybe I should wander_  
_Through these streets a little longer_  
_Hey New York City_  
_Won't you welcome me back home?_

Not only was I out of the TV grind and back on the stage, being creatively challenged again, but I was also living with Simon. We could be together all the time, finally, instead of having to make things work long distance. And that was good, but…

I walked down the busy streets and felt out of step somehow. Just a little. Off by a heartbeat.

Even on stage, where I’m my happiest… even fully immersed in a character I knew I was doing justice… I still felt like I was… missing a limb.

But it was at home with Simon where I really should not have felt there was anything missing. But I guess I did. Maybe I expected too much, as I know I have a tendency to. I told myself to grow up, that this was what a real relationship was… everyday life, and it wasn’t always a fucking Technicolor advertisement for bliss.

My problem wasn’t unrealistic expectations, though. It wasn’t boredom, wasn’t a lack of love, wasn’t even getting on each other’s nerves. It was me, not being able to stop thinking about Gale on that last day. How I’d had my best friend and wildest dream right there, looking at me, offering himself to me, and I didn’t claim him.

But thoughts like that can lose you what you do have in your life that’s good, so I did my best to shake them off. I stuffed the picture of the Hollywood sign I’d been clutching into the pocket of my jacket, pulled out my pack and lighter, and was heading back to the apartment when my phone rang.

“Did you get your postcard?”

“Yes, I did.” Good thing I got it and not Simon, I thought. “You do know you’re not in LA as a tourist, right?”

“I guess. But it said ‘ _Wish You Were Here_ ,’ and… you know…”

“Thanks, Gale…… So, uh… what was that you said about hell freezing over?”

“Looks like somebody’s actually willing to put me in a Broadway play.”

“You mean it? Oh my God, that’s fantastic! That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time. You’re… coming to New York.”

“Yup, in a couple weeks or so. I‘ve got one more series guest spot to do, then I‘ll be out there trying to look up Lady Liberty‘s skirt.”

So weird. “Do you need a place to stay? Because you could…”

“What, stay with you? Yeah, Rand. You, me, and Simon in the same apartment. I didn’t think you were a fan of sitcoms.”

“Okay, yeah. Maybe not. I’m just… excited.”

“I’m just glad you still want to see me.”

“Gale... you know I…”

“You what?”

“… Just call me when you’re almost here. I’ve got to go.”

*****

 _And darling I love you_  
_But I swear that I'll be gone_  
_By the time you figure out what you want_

“Randy… Randy, wake up.”

I woke slowly and reached out to Simon, confused to find him not beside me but standing next to the bed. He was pulling clothes on, almost agitated. I squinted at the window; it wasn’t even light out.

“What’s going on?”

“I’m leaving. I can’t stay here tonight. Just thought I’d let you know.”

“Simon, what are you talking about?” I scrambled to sit up. “Why the hell are you leaving?”

“Because I can’t make excuses for you anymore. I can’t pretend it means nothing when you’re calling out for _him_ in your sleep! And please don‘t insult me by asking ‘Who?’”

_Fuck._

“Simon, look… I’m sorry, but I can’t help what I do when I’m asleep… a stupid dream I don’t even remember….”

“Not one dream, Randy. I laughed off the first one. And the second. But I’ve lost track now, and I give up.”

I felt sick. “Give up what?”

“I give up on us. There’s putting work into a relationship, and then there’s forcing it.”

“Let’s work on it, then! Just let me wake up all the way, Simon, and we’ll talk…”

“You and I both know, even when you’re awake, you’re not all here. You‘re certainly not with me… If I’m honest with myself, you haven’t been for three years.”

“You don’t have to go. I’ll go sleep on the couch.”

“No. I need to… get away.”

“…You shouldn’t go.” I couldn’t quite think of why. “This apartment’s more yours than it is mine.”

“Maybe that’s part of the problem. It should have become _ours_ , but it never did.” Simon picked up the small bag he’d filled with a change of clothes. “I’ll go for now. I’d appreciate it if you’d find somewhere else to live tomorrow.”

I barely knew what was happening and I hadn’t decided how to feel about it. I just swallowed and watched him disappear through the doorway.

“I hope you figure out what you want, Randy. But he’ll never love you. Not in the real world,” echoed in the hall.

If he’d said that meanly, I would have shouted my truth… that Gale did love me, that he had said so. But Simon sounded tired, like he was trying to protect me with a genuine warning, so I kept quiet… and let him go.

Too in shock to cry, I laid back down and replayed everything he had said about me, how I felt. The one time Simon got no thrill from being right, he’d never been more so.  


*****

 _Maybe I should wander_  
_Through my solitude a little longer_  
_Turn your head now sailor_  
_Well I used to be so much stronger_

“Gale, why do I keep getting your voice mail? Maybe because you’re rehearsing all the time, because you’re already in the city and for some reason didn’t call me? Were you just relying on my network of theatre colleagues to let me know you’re here?” I sighed into the phone. “Listen, if you ever decide you want to see me, just… call. I don’t want to be one of a hundred admirers fighting to tell you how great you were on opening night.”

Simon and I had been split for about a week. I’d been calling Gale for two days with no response. I had lots of friends, my own play to worry about, and a damn full life without a guy, but I couldn’t help but feel very alone. And I couldn’t figure out why I had to read in that stupid Broadway newsletter that Gale’s rehearsals had started. Did he just forget, or was he mad at me? I mentally searched our last conversation for clues…

 _“I’m just glad you still want to see me.”_  
_“Gale... you know I…”_  
_“You what?”_  
_“… Just call me when you’re almost here. I’ve got to go.”_

I guess I got a little weird at the end… backing quickly away from something I couldn’t say then. But… (it hit me like a wave of warm ocean)… I could say it now.

Suddenly, I got excited. I saw everything I wanted within my reach, and this time I was going to grab it and not let go. So Gale seemed to be ignoring me… So what? I knew he still loved me. I would find him and kiss him and see if he could ignore _that_.

I knew which theatre housed his play, but my vision of our reunion didn’t take place in front of dozens of people. I waited until very late, when I knew he would be done, and I headed to the hotel he usually preferred, hoping that was where he had chosen to stay. The girl at the front desk, though she didn’t say so, was obviously a fan of QAF. She grinned goofily when I inquired about Gale’s room number (relieved that he hadn‘t changed his hotel pseudonym), and though she whispered that she _"really wasn’t supposed to tell"_ as she wrote it on a piece of paper and pushed it towards me, I got the feeling she would have given me a key if I had asked.

I must not have had any doubts about what I was doing. Because, shit, I didn’t even care if some fangirl knew I was headed to Gale’s room at 11 pm.

 _How in the hell did I get here?_  
_In this city so alone_  
_Oh sometimes life seems so long_

*Knock, knock*

I stood outside his door, staring at the patterns in the wood, scared to death but more determined. Nothing happened for a minute, and I was just raising my hand again when I heard the click, the rattle of the chain, and the door opened. There stood Gale… in sweatpants, no shirt, his hair a mess, eyes of beautiful confusion. It was my first sight of him in so many months, and I launched myself into his arms before he could even make a sound of surprise. He hugged me back after a few seconds. His skin was hot and moist to the touch.

“Rand, what…?” He pushed me softly away, but his face was lit with a giant grin.

“I’m the welcoming committee. Welcome to New York. Sorry if it’s a bit belated, but…” I let the _you didn’t call to tell me you were here_ go silently understood.

He was quiet, just smiling, and then he said, “Fuck, I missed you.”

“Good, because I missed you.” I took a step closer and bounced up a little on my toes, until our mouths were only an inch apart. “Can I come in?”

He made a frustrated little hum sound. “You can’t… right now,” Gale said, surprising me with a hand on my chest, keeping me back.

I laughed. “If you’re worried that it’s inappropriate, I have some news…”

I was ready to tell him Simon and I had broken up. That I was staying with a friend for the moment, but once I had my new place he should stay with me. That I was a fool for not taking what he had offered me and I planned to make it right. But, before I could say any of those things, a distinctly female voice called out from inside.

“Gale? Was it room service?”

I shifted my stance slightly, looking over his shoulder, and I could see well into the room. I could see the rumpled bed with the pretty, naked girl in it, though blessedly with a sheet wrapped around her. Looking back at Gale, I saw how low his sweats were on his hips, ties hanging, like he’d pulled them on very quickly. I realized why his skin was so hot and kind of wet. I’d felt it like that before.

“Oh,” I said… chest painfully tight from not breathing… doing a good impression of _not_ being about to throw up. “Looks like the welcoming committee’s already here.”  


_You can't soothe me with your sweet voice  
If I can't be your first choice_

I wanted to cry, or throw something at him, and I wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t done anything wrong. I guessed I should just be thankful I hadn’t found him with a man. This should have been… expected.

“Randy…”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just shown up, and so late, what was I thinking…”

“ _Rand_ …”

Don’t say my name like that, I pleaded in my head. Not like before.

_You can't soothe me with your deep eyes  
If I can't be your first prize_

I’d recognized her. Couldn’t remember her name, but I knew she was an actress in Gale’s play. That stung extra somehow. And it wouldn’t be soothed by his eyes pinning me, apologizing for nonexistent crimes. I had no idea if he knew why I’d shown up there, but it struck me too much as him feeling sorry for me.

“You’re always very attentive to your costars, aren’t you?” I said, not meaning to sound so bitter. “Let me leave you to it.”

_You can't soothe me with affection  
If it's pointed in the wrong direction_

He touched my hand and I pulled it away. He touched my shoulder and I backed up, quickly breaking contact. I felt so out of place, so unnecessary and unwanted, standing out in the hall… with Gale half-dressed and smelling like sex and that girl’s perfume. And I kept hearing Simon in my head, saying that Gale would never love me in the real world. That _she_ was the kind of lover he’d end up with. I had to leave.

“Rand, can we please talk… tomorrow?”

“Sure, maybe,” I said, forcing casual speech. “Call me, if you think of it… You should be careful, though, Gale. Sleeping with someone you work with is a bad idea. Can lead to inter-cast gossip, heartbreak… and annoyances at your door in the middle of the night.”

_Unless you think I'm perfection  
Unless you think I'm perfection_

He called after me again, but I made my way down the hall to the elevator as it opened, fast as I could without breaking into a run. And then I was gone.

*****

~ Gale’s pov ~

 _Maybe I should wander_  
_Through these streets a little longer_  
_Find my ruthless angel_  
_That will carry me back home_

I lit up a cigarette as I walked, grateful for the soothing smoke. I’d just gotten off the phone with Peter Paige. Sick of not talking to Randy, not knowing what was going on in his life, I finally thought to call Peter, since I knew they spoke pretty often, and hoped he would tell me something. Which, he did.

Randy and Simon had broken up. And it only took me three fucking months to find out about it.

Well, the wasted time was my own damn fault. I knew the thing with Kelly wasn’t a good idea when it happened, but I sure as fuck never saw _that_ coming. Randy showing up. She must have seen or heard something, but I give her credit. After he left and I stumbled back into the room, decidedly distracted and feeling like somebody had fucked my equilibrium up, she asked, “Wasn’t that…?” I said, “Yes.” And she left it at that.

I don’t know why I didn’t call him right away when I got to New York. Maybe it was a combination of things, from not wanting to go sit and be reduced to small talk with him and Simon in _their_ place, to being nervous about him seeing me in the play. I love theatre, but I don’t think I’m the natural at it that he is. But the play had gone pretty damn well (miraculously with no backstage dramas), all nine weeks of its just completed run. I left Randy a bunch of messages telling him he had a ticket waiting for him any night he wanted to show up, and he never responded, but I think I saw him once… a flash of familiar blond hope hurrying out the back once I’d taken my bows.

 _‘Cause we all wanna go home_  
_And we search for love our whole lives_  
_I found a man who only wants to be alone_

I tried to get him to talk to me so many times. Called, emailed… even stalked him as much as I could, considering how busy I was. It was stupid that we were in the same city and not talking, but nothing worked. The one time I went to his apartment, Simon answered and said Randy wasn’t there. When I asked if he could tell Randy I came by when he got home, Simon just said, “No,” and closed the door.

I thought he was being a bastard, but now I know he couldn’t tell Randy anything when he got home, because Randy didn’t live there anymore.

When Peter told me, I was shocked… happy… worried Randy was sad… and then I started to do the math. It was nearly three months prior that Randy had shown up at my hotel. Beautiful and excited. Hugging me. Saying he missed me. Asking to come in, in a breath against my lips. In all the time since, I had never quite let myself realize his reason for coming to see me. But now I understood. He was ready.

_You can't soothe me with your sweet voice  
If I can't be your first choice_

I’m not sure what Peter knows about Randy and me, but he gave me Randy’s new address with a knowing wink in his voice. And I didn’t wait. An hour later, I was knocking on a new door.

“Simon, you‘re early,” came the sweet, teasing laugh… not for me. The door swung open as my face fell.

“‘Fraid not.”

_You can't soothe me with your deep eyes  
If I can't be your first prize_

“Gale… what are you…?” He looked so… lost on the edge of found.

“Oh… just… something like what you were doing when you showed up at my door.” I paused to watch it sink into his eyes, that I knew, and that I wanted him still. “But I guess we got our timing wrong again… huh? It figures, I just found out you and Simon broke up, and you’re already back together.” I tried to laugh but felt like I was choking on it.

“We’re not back together, we’re just… talking.”

“And he’s on his way over to talk right now? Yeah, I better go.”

_You can't soothe me with affection  
If it's pointed in the wrong direction_

“Gale, wait!” His fingers circled my wrist, pressing sparks into my skin. “I don’t want to lose you any more than I already have, okay? I’m sorry… about the Simon thing… when I opened the…”

“Hurt,” I admitted quietly.

“Like when I saw that girl in your bed?”

“Maybe. And I’m sorry, Rand. But the difference is, I only ever loved one person.”

_Unless you think I'm perfection  
Unless you think I'm perfection_

I pulled my arm away, the circuit again broken. Kissed the top of his head and left him with his gorgeous mouth hanging open.

*****  


~ Randy’s pov ~

 _Maybe down the road who knows?_  
_You'll get it together_  
_With all your charm my hope grows_  
_It's wonderful_

No fucking way, I thought as I watched Gale walk out of my life. Not again.

I ran after him. Took the stairs and beat him down to the lobby. I called his name and grabbed his arm when he stepped off the elevator, dragging him into the stairwell.

 _But you're flirting only as a friend_  
_You touch my heart_  
_And promise everything_

“We’ve got to stop this! Our timing is only fucked up because we keep letting it be, Gale.”

His gaze was on the floor, his hands in his pockets, and my heart nearly burst looking at him. “How do we not let it?” he asked softly.

I put my hands on his shoulders, leaned him against the railing and myself against him. “I love you.” That’s how, I thought, feeling so good to be able to watch his face this time. “Do you still love me?”  


_It'll be a mighty cold winter_  
_Five million people_  
_Couldn't one of them be you?_

I held my breath until his nibbled lip turned into a nodding head and happy, unshaded eyes.

“Yeah, I do.”

“I still want to be with you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Do you still want to be with me?”

“Fuck yeah,” he grinned, and I giggled. “But…”

 _And darling I love you_  
_But I swear that I'll be gone_  
_By the time you figure out_  
_What you want_

But what? I think I half expected him to say, _But I’m still gonna fuck women, Is that okay?_ What he actually said was…

“The play’s over. I’m supposed to go back to LA this week.”

“Oh… right.”

“Of course, I could stay… to help you out.”

“What?”  


_You can't soothe me with your sweet voice  
If I can't be your first choice_

“I don’t _have_ to live in LA. If you needed a roommate, maybe? If you were having trouble making the rent?”

Insulted for a split second, I finally got what he was doing and played along. “You caught me, Gale. I’m broke. I blew all my money from CowLip already on expensive wine and cheap women.”

Gale cracked up, at my words and at my serious face. “Really? Well, better that than the other way around.”

_You can't soothe me with your deep eyes  
If I can't be your first prize_

“So, what do you say? You want to be my roommate?”

Gale’s large, warm hands covered my cheeks. “I want to be your anything and everything you’ll let me be, Rand.”

Eyes of green and brown and gold and love held me captive and offered me a freedom I hadn’t known since I stopped looking into them on a regular basis. I was so focused on them I didn’t even notice what my mouth was doing until it was crushed against his.

_You can't soothe me with affection  
If it's pointed in the wrong direction_

His lips let me in and his tongue welcomed me back… welcomed me home. His strong arms surrounded me and mine slipped around his waist. God, how did I go so long without tasting him? Since Brian and Justin allowed us to share their kiss goodbye. But this was all ours. Right timing and shared direction and a kiss not of leaving… but of staying and wanting and giving and taking.

“What about… the rest of the world?” I still had to ask, in gasping breaths around his lips.

He knew what I meant, but he just said, “Let them find their own Randy. You’re mine.”

 _Yours_ , I thought, and kept kissing him.

_Unless you think I'm perfection_

“Rand _…_ ”

My hardness pressed into his thigh and my hand brushed over his lightly through his jeans as he breathed my name. “Do you want to go up and try out your new bed?”

“Does my bed also happen to be your bed?”

“Why, yes, it does.”

“Then, yes, I do.” Gale rested our foreheads together. Shit, I’d missed that. “But you might want to call Simon and tell him not to come over… Hmm, on second thought, don’t.”

I shook my head at the mischievous glint in his eye. “Nothing to prove anymore. We’ve got everything we want… right in our hands.” I gave his dick a squeeze and he moaned even as he laughed with me for a second, then grabbed my hand and ran us up the stairs.

_Unless you think I'm perfection_

  
(Lyrics: Soothe Me, Vonda Shepard)

 


End file.
